MAY I HAVE THE SLEEP THAT NEVER ENDS

the struggles im undergoing now are so overwhelming that i sometimes pray to God to take away my life in such a way that i wont experience another pain. i think i have enough with this age. Maybe a restful sleep without end will do. Bargaining it may seem but bear with me.

Some people who knew about my struggles have asked how do i survive such? my answer is constant- MY CONTINUOUS LIFE MAKES IT SEEM THAT IM SURVIVING IN THE EYES OF PEOPLE BUT IM REALLY NOT. A PART OF ME IS CRUSHED EVERYTIME I STRUGGLE. BUHAY PARIN KASI AKO KAYA INAAKALA NILA NALALAGPASAN KO. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS I WANT TO REST AS EARLY AS THIS AGE. Yes, im a weakling! Although there is this one person i am considering why i want to prolong my life until i give what is due to her. The person i owe everything and i know i need to payback,not because it is compulsary but because its my choice to- My mother. For her, i would want to survive a little more and extend this Gift of Life until i settle things for her.

It is hard that i can't talk to anybody especially in this very trying times of my life where no progress is happening. Everything is stagnant. Im even experiencing the saddest part of my life so far. i always thought this will never come to me cause i have always been a sociable and happy person. What prompted me to reach this terrible disappointment in life is the world's celebration of father's day days ago. i received texts from friends that they are thanking my dad for growing such wonderful individual like me who touched so many lives in so many ways. Immediately after reading those messages, tears flooded my eyes. i have come to realized another reason (yes,there are so many) why i should not be envied by many. almost a year ago when i felt i was INDIRECTLY DISOWNED by someone whom i thought will always be there for me,someone who will accept me as me and someone who will love me unconditionally. Sabi nila ANG ANAK KAYANG ITAKWIL ANG MAGULANG PERO ANG MAGULANG AY HINDI MAKAKAYANG ITAKWIL ANG ANAK- A statement i only heard but made me shed into tears for being an exception to what it meant. A week ago, mark anthony fernandez (son of the late rudy fernandez)in the eulogy of his father, said, "Sa lahat ng failures ng papa ko,ako ang pinaka failure niya", so i asked myself, Am I his?

DESCOMPUESTO (Out of Order)

I wish someone will sing to me the song titled I'LL BE THERE with lyrics that goes like"WHEN YOU WAKE UP EACH MORNING AND U FEEL LIKE CALLING,I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU. WHEN THE ROAD SEEMS UNCERTAIN AND YOU CAN'T STOP THE HURTING,I'LL BE THERE FOR YOU. WHEN THERE IS NO ONE BESIDE YOU I'LL BE THERE TO GUIDE YOU. CATCH YOU EACH TIME YOU FALL.WHEN THE STARS WON'T SHINE ANYMORE,I'LL BE THERE."
Years ago i thought reaching mid twenties will be the pinnacle of my life. i never thought that in this stage i will experience life's most struggling times- When everything seems to be so shaky and blurred and that the future now even looks vague. Nothing seems to be in their proper place- both circumstances and the people around me. i just feel so alone, helpless and stagnant. I even feel so poor (literally and hypothetically) in many ways. Good thing i can CRY. The tears are my only outlet and confidante. they listen and come out when i need to release burden. In a place where i feel so far and alone from my real world i thank greatly aiza seguerra's version of I'LL BE THERE which i heard from YOUTUBE. Her soothing cold voice helped me remain intact with sanity.
I wish i could go back to those days i got so proud of myself ...and to the days i felt so loved by my family and friends. Days i wished i celebrated MORE. As of now, I am now hoping to experience those kind of days again-and if 1 comes,i will let tears come out so i could thank them for being with me through thick and thin.
I apologize for not putting into details my sentiments in respect to those people i might hurt if ever they find out from my story that im hurting partly because of them.

Unfair Rules Governing Relationships

RULES GOVERNING RELATIONSHIPS ( lifted from a scrap paper found in a street inVegas)
THE FOLLOWING RULES WERE MADE BY THOSE WHO CAME FROM THE PLANET VENUS. READ AND LAUGH AFTER!!!
1 THE FEMALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES
2. THE RULES ARE SUBJECT TO CHANGE AT ANYTIME WITHOUT PRIOR NOTIFICATION
3.NO MALE CAN POSSIBLY KNOW THE RULES
4.IF THE FEMALE SUSPECTS THE MALE KNOWS ALL THE RULES SHE MUST IMMEDIATELY CHANGE SOME OR ALL THE RULES
5.THE FEMALE IS NEVER WRONG
6.IF THE FEMALE IS WRONG,IT IS DUE TO A MISUNDERSTANDING,WHICH WAS A DIRECT RESULT OF SOMETHING THE MALE DID OR SAID WRONG. THE MALE MUST APOLOGIZE IMMEDIATELY FOR CAUSING THE MISUNDERSTANDING
7.THE FEMALE MAY CHANGE HER MIND AT ANY TIME
8.THE MALE MUST NEVER CHANGE HIS MIND WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF THE FEMALE
9.THE FEMALE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY OR UPSET AT ANY TIME
10.THE MALE MUST REMAIN CALM AT ALL TIMES UNLESS THE FEMALE WANTS HIM TO BE ANGRY AND/OR UPSET
11.THE FEMALE MUST UNDERGO NO CIRCUMSTANCES LET THE MALE KNOW WHETHER OR NOT SHE WANTS HIM TO BE ANGRY AND/OR UPSET
12. THE MALE IS EXPECTED TO MIND READ AT ALL TIMES
13.THE FEMALE IS READY WHEN SHE IS READY, THE MALE MUST BE READY AT ALL TIMES
14.ANY ATTEMPT TO DOCUMENT THE RULES COULD RESULT IN BODILY HARM
15.THE MALE WHO DOESN'T ABIDE BY THE RULES CANT TAKE THE HEAT, LACKS BACKBONE and IS A WIMP.

Ejaculation Over a Magazine

Should we envy goodlooking people? Does that mean if we are not blessed with a Sarah Jessica Parker skin or Hugh Jackman built or the faces of Keira Knightly and Orlando Bloom, we are doomed? it has been said many times that we always have something to boast-a talent, skill, a megawatt smile or a face!
well, i have bought many magazines which led me to hating myself after browsing those glossy sheets. it made me realized how unfortunate looking i am. i will always have these breakouts, im not blessed with height, i have this stereotyped Asian built and so many physical misfortunes. Im just wondering how i could still get the attention of people and some even become my admirers and for the lucky few(or unlucky few for that matter)they even become my Special Someone. does that mean there is something in me that is attractive. TAKE NOTE:Im not even Rich!
If i may describe myself...hmmm...im a good conversationalist for sure.i have a jolly disposition in life and im often nice. i had been an achiever in school and got 2 bachelor degrees under my name. im now a licensed nurse and before this vacation in las vegas, i was teaching nursing students back in the Philippines. i could also say that i have travelled to countries not all have visited yet. I have taken my English Proficiency exam and got a good remark. i almost finished CumLaude in both of the Bachelor degrees i have taken.
Well, YES! i envy celebrities. Two thumbs up for those who work hard (obviously seen in their movies) and get recognition in the end. To those who are just plain celebrities,i also envy you. imagine the compensation they get and the popularity they achieve. Hope i get to meet one soon. Did you know that i would ejaculate over a magazine seeing this celebrities? well, at least they serve their purpose being the object of our fantasies.

Start of the Brain Surgery

Im having my vacation here in Las Vegas when i should be in the Philippines practicing my profession as a Nurse. Out of boredom i browsed on my previous diaries and learned a lot that even my limited neurons can't handle. Yes, my life has been slightly an open book to friends and families. There is a certain part i dont want them to see....YET!As we go through, i will let you peep in. May this blog be the pathway for my family and friends to uncover what they still don't know about me.