MAY I HAVE THE SLEEP THAT NEVER ENDS

the struggles im undergoing now are so overwhelming that i sometimes pray to God to take away my life in such a way that i wont experience another pain. i think i have enough with this age. Maybe a restful sleep without end will do. Bargaining it may seem but bear with me.

Some people who knew about my struggles have asked how do i survive such? my answer is constant- MY CONTINUOUS LIFE MAKES IT SEEM THAT IM SURVIVING IN THE EYES OF PEOPLE BUT IM REALLY NOT. A PART OF ME IS CRUSHED EVERYTIME I STRUGGLE. BUHAY PARIN KASI AKO KAYA INAAKALA NILA NALALAGPASAN KO. THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS I WANT TO REST AS EARLY AS THIS AGE. Yes, im a weakling! Although there is this one person i am considering why i want to prolong my life until i give what is due to her. The person i owe everything and i know i need to payback,not because it is compulsary but because its my choice to- My mother. For her, i would want to survive a little more and extend this Gift of Life until i settle things for her.

It is hard that i can't talk to anybody especially in this very trying times of my life where no progress is happening. Everything is stagnant. Im even experiencing the saddest part of my life so far. i always thought this will never come to me cause i have always been a sociable and happy person. What prompted me to reach this terrible disappointment in life is the world's celebration of father's day days ago. i received texts from friends that they are thanking my dad for growing such wonderful individual like me who touched so many lives in so many ways. Immediately after reading those messages, tears flooded my eyes. i have come to realized another reason (yes,there are so many) why i should not be envied by many. almost a year ago when i felt i was INDIRECTLY DISOWNED by someone whom i thought will always be there for me,someone who will accept me as me and someone who will love me unconditionally. Sabi nila ANG ANAK KAYANG ITAKWIL ANG MAGULANG PERO ANG MAGULANG AY HINDI MAKAKAYANG ITAKWIL ANG ANAK- A statement i only heard but made me shed into tears for being an exception to what it meant. A week ago, mark anthony fernandez (son of the late rudy fernandez)in the eulogy of his father, said, "Sa lahat ng failures ng papa ko,ako ang pinaka failure niya", so i asked myself, Am I his?